Solicited Advice. Kind of.

I'm in a bunch of mommy groups, y'all. Because I have a kid.
I know, weird.

One of the girls asked the other day about advice for flying with a baby. She's doing it by herself. With a babe that's about 18 mo? That's tough. I had this advice to give and wanted to share it because
1. Someone else may be asking this same question. Before we flew with N the first time, I was terrified he would scream the whole way. I was fer-eak-ing-out. Silently. With a smile on my face. Because that's how I live.
2. I found myself particularly charming in this post. And supportive. But mostly charming and funny and wonderful.

Here ya go:

 My very expert advice (I've done it twice, so I am clearly an expert )
1. Plan your travel during normal napish times. Sleepy babies=good traveling companions
2. Get there EARLY. I know the airport says 2 hours, but we like to get there and not feel rushed. Eat some breakfast at a restaurant. Hang out.
3. We get ear infections and sinus issues easily, so N takes Zyrtec every day. The days we fly, though, he takes Benadryl. Because he needs it, but it also might make him kind of sleepy (I'm not interested in any feedback about how I drug my child, so just stop yourself right there, reader!)
4. Chase your child. I mean put him down an run run run for half an hour "I'm gonna get you!! Here I come!!" OR find another kid a little older and get them chasing each other while you have a Bloody Mary (it's like 2 servings of veggies. Health food.)
5. Get on the plane with all nap-necessities. We had paci and banket, and we checked his seat at the door because we don't care about safety. Not really, but that's what some people think. I'm cool with lap babies. Not everyone is. (Also, not interested in any feedback about how I travel unsafely with my child, thx.)
6. Don't get anxious. Planes are loud as shit. Even if he screams the whole time, only about 5 people will be bothered. If you're anxious, he's anxious. (So maybe have another cocktail before you get on the plane)
7. We sit by the window because N wants to run the aisle (apparently that's not ok?) and at the window he likes to look at and talk about things we see. Airplanes, cars, trees, OOooooh, airplane. Tractor. Good Lord, kid, go to sleep. Mommy has a drink ticket to cash in.
8. Chillax. Have some snacks. Talk to your neighbors. They'll think he's adorable. Have him drink out of his sippy or snack at take off for ear popping. Same with landing if he needs it.
9. Bring favorite small toys. Get a brand new toy that he gets to play with for the first time on the plane. NOVELTY! Yay new toy! Break out the ipad/kindle/books if you need them.
10. If anybody gives you the side-eye, give 'em the finger. If they think you're crazy, they'll leave you alone.

Airports are all different. In Nashville, I wear N in a wrap on my back into the airport, take him down to walk through the metal detector together, and put him back up until we're in our concourse and eating at a restaurant/bar (then chasing. Don't forget that). In Denver, they didn't make me take him down, but I did, and we didn't get searched or even have to take our shoes off. It was the easiest thing ever. 

You've got this. It'll be so much easier than you anticipate.
And if it's not, most flights aren't that long. He'll eventually cry himself to sleep... and you'll probably get the whole row to yourself.


WINNING!

What other advice for first time travelers with babies do you have?
Did I miss something? Do we need to add an extra cocktail in there somewhere? Maybe a mimosa?

XOXO,
EM

Unsolicited Advice No. 1- Vaguebooking

So we've all heard of Vaguebooking, right?
It's where someone posts something cryptic on Facebook (or Twitter, sure) begging for attention and then is all, "I don't want to talk about it" or if specifically asked about it, acts like, "No, it's cool..." Sadface. Moping-emoji. Sniffle.

VOM.

Here's the thing about Vaguebooking, if you really don't want to talk about it

don't bring it up.

It's like back when people talked to each other like humans IRL (face-to-face-minus-the-phone-in-the-face) and you'd ask your friend, "How are you?" and they'd answer all, "Oh... you know, *SIGH*... I don't want to talk about it..." and then would sit there. Staring at you. Waiting on you to ask "What's wrong? No, really! What's wrong? You ok? What is it?" and then you'd magically ask the right number of times (I'm thinking 11. 11 times is usually it!) and they'd maybe tell you. If they didn't want to talk about it, they could have just been all, "I'm ok. How are you?" or "Fine." and not even asked about you.  You see that something's not normal, but you respect their desire not to talk about it right now. Totally cool. But the moping. That's the thing.

And with the internets, you can actually just not post it. That little field that says, "What's on your mind?" doesn't have to be answered every time you open the app.

(Or does it? Am I doing it wrong? Crap. I'm doing it wrong. Going to update my FB status to tell y'all I'm blogging. BRB)

My favorite part of the internet Vaguebookers is that they like to Vaguebook about other Vaguebookers. Yeah. I think on twitter, it's called subtweeting. Where you clearly are talking about somebody, but not tagging them- and then when you get called out, you're all, "What?! Nah! That was just me saying. I'm just sayin. Nothing to do with you..." but it TOTALLY DID.
<Looking at you, Nicki Minaj/Taylor Swift/Whoever it is this week. Miley? Idk>

If you're still not sure what I mean by this term, here are some examples
- "I can't believe this just happened. And with the same people!"
- "I am so done with this <fill in blank. relationship/friend/job/etc>"
- "I just can't stand unappreciative people who are so entitled and blahhhh..."
- "I haven't quite decided..."
- "Exciting things happening!"
- "Feeling irritated & annoyed with certain people."
- "Always so happy when hateful people get what they deserve."
---->All of those made you want to say, "WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?!" Didn't they?  That's how they getcha.

I know what you're thinking, "But isn't this chick Vaguebooking about Vaguebookers?" Uhm no. Here's why:
  1. Because this is a blog, not FB. Duh.
  2. I'm discussing the widespread issue of vaguebooking. Not about specific people. So hush.

You guys. I have a cure for this.

Stop.

Like, literally.
JUST STAHHP IT.
Quit.

It's that easy.
When you go to make an offering to the Social Media gods, write up your offering, and save it. Then look at it again in an hour. If it still sounds like a good idea, then yeah. Do it. Or have someone else read it for content. Ask things like, "Am I being whiny? Am I begging for attention? Is this going to directly identify the person I'm sooooo not talking about, because I'm just speaking my mind?"

I'm not saying this is a horrible thing to ever do. We all have bad days.

But when it's all of your updates, it's an issue. 

And your friends and family are tired of it (We are! Listen to us!). And if you're noticing that no one is really commenting other than your mom and a weird aunt, it's because we've all unfollowed you, but not unfriended you. Because we're bitchy, but not that bitchy. Kisses!

Feel free to go through my FB feed. I've done this a few times. We all have. It's ok. Let's turn over a new leaf together, yeah?
Starting now.

No more perpetual Vaguebooking!

What's your favorite Vaguebook post someone has made recently?
I wanna hear all about it.

XOXO,
EM

Unsolicited Advice

Hey! I'm Emily. I'm what some might call "opinionated".

I happen to have an opinion on most things in life- particularly the things other people are doing.
So, I have set up this blog to post unsolicited advice for those people.
How generous, right?
You're super welcome. (I accept tangible gifts of thanks such as candy, money, Starbucks cards, terrible 1980s animated movies, rainbow stuff, glitter, whatever)

I fully understand that not everyone shares my (incredibly enlightened) opinion. I am sarcastic, snarky, and sometimes funny. I don't intend for any of this to be taken super seriously, and if you think it's about you- it's probably not. Or it might be. Knock yourself out.